No, I'm not a slacker or anything. Yeah. Yeah I am. So just shush and listen, ne?

Uproarious noise fills my ears with delightful tones of a day to day life lived by those about me. Childish glee and giggles overflow and pour themselves out into the avenues uninterrupted by the terrified screams of Wallstreet. The rumbles and gloom of a main street already collapsed into itself are a far distant nightmare leaving this cacophonous haven untouched by the sorrows of the everyman. Nothing can touch the daily battles, not even the threats of tyrants can close us from ourselves. We reach out and feel oddly well though the world would declare that we are all ill and in the deepest of needs. But our needs must lie far from our desires. We need stability, they cry, stability of the market… of the world. Our needs are so far from the reality of the voices outside our minds that we don’t recognize them here in this little set-aside world.

“Non-fat white chocolate mocha!” is as close to the world as we wish to come. A lone child smiles and the virus is spread between us. I smile. This is the reality of what our lives have become. It’s mirrored here. Constant talk of all tones and measures. Shrieking children. A man with a newspaper. And I with my books and technology littered before me. Smiles and disapproving eyes float over the us all then disappear as quickly as they came. Secrets murmur unspoken; the past buried in a glimpse. The small town politic rises then dies. Nothing such as that survives in such a place as this.

You don’t come for the drink. You don’t come for the food. You come for the voices, for the constant hum of life that fills our souls and reminds us that we are not what we see in the news… this daily dose of sadness and strife. We are not the numbers that race up and down at ever horrifying speeds. We are a moving, breathing, singing, dancing mass of humanity. Speckled and winged, we fly farther than we ever imagined possible and glimmer in the light we find in the stars that guide us. And we are not to be toyed with, this mass of flesh and song. We will delve ever deeper into ourselves and when it seems that there is no light to be found… we will look to our own radiance and find our way free once again.

When: Friday, 21 November, 2008; 15:30 - 16:00
Where: Starbucks, Los Alamos, NM

No, I'm not a slacker or anything. Yeah. Yeah I am. So just shush and listen, ne?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the burlesque show I was able to see up in Denton while I was visiting Jeffrey. Okay, yeah, I won’t lie and say that I’ve not thought about the gorgeous women and I will admit that a few of them were utterly salacious but that’s not really what I’ve been thinking about all this time. What has fascinated me the most was the inherent, unspoken voluptuousness of night. Sure, women moving about a stage artfully teasing an audience with raw sexuality and yet still remaining tasteful is, by its very nature, a provocative thing. For me it was and still remains that these were women of all sizes and shapes and each and every one of them reveled in their bodies. The confidence they had in themselves… in… in the very tenements of their souls… was absolutely radiant. Gone were the constant o’erring roars of what is beautiful and what is to be sighed over by the masses. Gone were the stereotypes that we all so madly cling to as if gospel handed down from on high. It was nothing short of a delightful slice of a heavenly age where the media did not tell just how to see every part of the world around us. We whooped and hollered. We whistled and gasped our amazement.

The ideals of beauty have changed throughout the history of mankind; some ideals have swung about erratically while others remain as instinctual links to our more animal past. I will tell you now that I can only speak accurately of the female experience and for obvious reasons. I feel it would be unfair to speak to the male end of matters and I do hope you’ll forgive me for as much. I will further admit, with much loathing, that this is a matter with which I have battled since I was a young girl in fifth grade. Yes, it’s been sixteen years and a lot happens in such time but I do know I am not alone in such a mess and that’s something of a comfort.

For a good portion of human history it was the larger, full figured women who commanded the adoration of the masses. After all, such a woman could be a mother and could better survive a rough life. Look at the Venus of Willendorf and though the statuette is small it remains a testament to the once sacred view of such a figure. Hips and breasts were as a magnet to the male libido. Popular imagery has swung as a pendulum in this concern and once again it is coming about full circle. Again. And again it will swing and continue to do so until the very last human breaths its last.

I’m not going to talk about the stereotypes. They’re given too much airtime as it is. My main concern in all this is the reality of where we really find ourselves. No one is ever going to fall into some media imagined effigy of “perfect beauty”. Daily we are told through print, radio, television and the internet how we are to look and that if we don’t look like that then they tell us just what we must do to attain it and become this lush image. Who is in change of this? Men and woman who are one of two things… they are either sickly creature who have warped their own selfimages so badly that they must make us believe that they’re correct - else they’d implode – or they’re no where near any of their own standards and they just like fucking with us. Personally I believe it’s a mix of the two.

Dove, a women’s beauty product company, has started something called Campaign for Real Beauty. It’s one of the only efforts by any mainstream company to try and help woman not only love themselves as they are but to be proud of it. For that I must applaud them. I know better than to expect many, if any, other companies to embrace such an idea. They all feed off these insane images paraded before us in magazines. Make up companies tell us our skin, our eyes, our lips… all of it will never be enough by themselves. Perfume companies tell us that good hygiene is not enough and that we must smell like some new creation which really smells like something from a skunk but that we’ll eagerly purchase anyway. Clothing companies scaling back the creation of reasonable sizes and rename what remains, making us feel rather elephantine in our proportions no matter how healthy our eating habits and exercise routines. But never fear! Diet products are here! These creations will take off all those pounds and leave you that charming ninety seven pound stick figure.

Now, keep in mind, I have nothing against those who are naturally thin. Audrey Hepburn is a perfect example of such a woman. She was stunning. However, for so many of us it is simply not an attainable standard. Our bodies are different. This is part of what makes us all beautiful: our differences! Sophia Loren was devastating in her charm. Ella Fitzgerald was amazing in her grace and confidence on stage.

I mentioned I had issues and I know I have them still. I’m not so confident. I worked my ass off for the past year to lose the weight that I gained from the stresses of my life for no other reason than to feel healthy and to feel attracted to myself (is that an odd idea?). I played second fiddle to friends who constantly undermined my sense of selfworth but somehow broke free and can see myself as beautiful for all my flaws. I’ve fought more with myself over it all than anything else. I’m still not good at taking compliments and Jeffrey has been a darling about it. How another man will ever handle it I don’t know but I hope to find out. I want to be like those women. I want to be so confident. I’ll never do burlesque (I’m not so well coordinated) but I want to feel like I could. I want to feel beautiful no matter what I look like. I want to sing in front of an audience and enjoy the fact that all eyes are on me for those brief moments. I want to look at the beauty standards that our society has masked itself in and say fuck you. I want to be a beautiful mess.

Anna

I’d like to say that I’m not a horrid slacker but I really shouldn’t lie to you. The past month has been kinda busy though and I have found that more often than not my eyes are aching far too much to sit down and right in front of T’laryth as much as I’d like to. Oh and yes, I’ve finally named my laptop. T’laryth. It’s a name I created a long time ago and had forgotten about. This also means I’ve gotten off my ass and named my external. Eryia. Yeah, I know… I’m a geek. Should I explain the origin of the names and bore you all to death? No. I’ll be nice. However… I do like the names so.. meh.

So what’s been going on?

The Farmer’s Markets are over for the season. There are a couple of seasonal markets in Los Alamos but we’re clear for the year. The last few markets were great, especially the Taos market. The last few were just below or above one thousand dollars. Makes up for freezing our asses off and waking up at what I call the “ass crack of dawn”.

I’ve been cast in the 2009 LALT melodrama and I’ll be doing an Olio. So this means all you local folks I know had better damn well be there for it or I’ll hunt you down and kick yer butts. Fear me. … Okay… you can stop laughing now. Jerks. Anyway. I’m pretty happy about it as Papa is in it as well. I’m not going to tell you anymore. You have to come and see it. And those of you out of state? Well… hmm… I’ll whisper it in your ear later.

My birthday came and went and I enjoyed every moment. Well… that is kinda a lie, truth be told. It was a delivery morning in Santa Fe and that meant I was up at four thirty and out the door by five. Beyond that fact, however, I had a great day. Deliveries went well, Papa and I had a quick breakfast and he managed to surprise me for the very first time since I was a little kid. My stash? A new cellphone, a Blackberry Curve, that made me giggle like a little girl; and *drumroll* a car. I was in absolute shock. It’s a used Subaru Forester but I am absolutely thrilled. It’s a stick shift but I’m still happy. Of course I’ve got to get my ass comfortable driving it but that’s okay. I’m mobile once more! Mwahahahaha!

The night was spent up in Taos, hanging out with Ben. I dressed in black slacks, a makeshift tail, high heel boots from hell (also known as the domme boots), black corset, black silk scarf, black cat ears and.. well.. that was it. Slacktastical but it suited my needs. And Ben? Baaaad blond wig and a t-shirt with the name ‘Hannah Montana’ on it. I loved it. We went to dinner, went back to his house and got dressed, got into town and after wandering a but ended up at the Alley Cantina and were early enough to find a table. We had a great time. And no… nothing happened. I’m not going to talk about how I feel about that. But it’s just as well. I promise.

The next day we hung out, he came down to the house and joined us for birthday cake aaaand then I drove him home. Yeah. Late night. But we all had a great time.

The only sad thing, of course, was the fact that I was not able to spend it with Jeffrey. I wish I’d been able to but I was able to make up for it less than a week later. He was more upset about it than I had expected he would be but we got through it. It was hard but we were okay.

I slept in Sunday and I spent the next week talking to Jeffrey, wrapping up business stuffs here at the house, packing and gettign reading for the trip. I’d like to say I got a good amount of sleep but didn’t get a bit.

The trip was fantastic. I took a morning flight on the sixth and he met me at the airport. The flight was great and I ended up sitting next to Herb Denish, husband of New Mexico’s Lieutenant Governor. We had a great conversation and it was very enlightening.

So.. day by day? Not right now. At the moment I’ll just say that it was an amazing trip and I had a wonderful time. We had a couple moments but we got through them just as quickly and that’s a good thing. I love this name very dearly and the trip was a wonderful time to be able to just absorb it all while I could.

I got home after minimal sleep, sadly, and it ended up being a long day, ending with a rehearsal that I didn’t need to be there for. Oh well.

The weekend has come and is damn near done. I was able to see the closing night of McBeth and was blown away. The casting was fantastic as was the acting. I admit I was thrilled to know that no one was hurt as McBeth does have one hell of a reputation. I knew a good number of the cast and was able to talk to the new guy playing Banquo. I do hope to see him in future stuff, he was great. He’s also directing Prometheus Bound which is going to state competition.

I did see Danielle for the first time in a long time but didn’t say a word. Bluntly, I don’t give a damn. I have no words for her… good or bad. I do wonder if Edward is still in the picture though. I won’t find out and wouldn’t know what to say if I did either.

So today? Relaxing, getting errands done and catching up on everything I’ve been lax on. I’ve also been working a bit on a goof project of mine: Handpuppet Hamlet. When I get enough done on that I may share. Maybe. I’ve also started putting out the word that I’m looking for someone who would like to work with me on possibly presenting Twelve Angry Men before the LALT board.

Anna

No, I'm not a slacker or anything. Yeah. Yeah I am. So just shush and listen, ne?

No, I'm not a slacker or anything. Yeah. Yeah I am. So just shush and listen, ne?

No, I'm not a slacker or anything. Yeah. Yeah I am. So just shush and listen, ne?

I’ve finally been able to hunt down a sample of the ballot for my precinct after running in circles for a few hours this morning. For those of us here in New Mexico you can find all of our sample ballots at the website for the Secretary of State. I had actually been looking for a voting guide but had no luck in the matter. The local paper, The Rio Grande Sun, will be running a piece each week on what we’re supposed to be voting on. Considering that we’re not even three weeks away that seems a bit weak. So I’ve been doing my own research. On The Issues & Fact Check are two of the better sites. Of course you can go to the State and National records to see voting records but I admit I hate trying to figure out each and every detail; they don’t make it as easy as it really should and could be.

I was sorely disappointed to see no third party candidate up for the U.S. senatorial race as I don’t really care for Udall or Pearce. I’m torn on the idea of voting on that one. I always said that you lose bitching rights when you don’t vote but what if either option doesn’t seem right? I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking about this one. I’m putting together informational word docs so I can look them over. Bluntly, it’s either Udall or no vote. Pearce simply scares the hell out of me. I just don’t know if I’m comfortable voting for Udall. Damn it.

The State Rep race is proving to be a bitch to research. Only today have I found the information I’ve been looking for. But I want to finish my research on the senatorial race first. It looks like Project Vote Smart is the only place with information on the voting records for these candidates. I’ll be putting their information together tomorrow. I admit, it’s hard not to run through it all right now but I fear I’ll give myself nightmares.

The only other contested position is for that of Public Regulation Commission. And I admit I already know that I will be voting for Rick Lass. Jerome D. Block Jr. has come across as everything but competent and his latest fiasco is disturbing. If he cannot, obviously, handle the stresses of running for office what makes him think he can handle the office itself?

There are no new judges but there are nine yes/no votes on the existing ones and I’d like to research them to get a good idea of where they stand as well. I’ve not even started to look. If anyone knows where I can find good information on judges please, please, please let me know.

Beyond all this there is one Gross Receipts Tax issue, five State Constitutional Amendments, and four bonds up for vote. I’m hoping to tackle one area a day and possibly more so that I go into the voting booth without having to make guesses. I do find one thing funny though… all seven of the uncontested positions are going democrat.

Oh what madness! I sit here in bed, laptop before me, Squall by my feet, my right thigh twitching the same as it has been since yesterday afternoon, and my head starting to spin a bit. I’ve got a lot on my mind all in all. Yeah, we all know I’ve got politics on the brain but I’m also thinking of my travel plans to go to Texas to be with Jeffrey for a week after the elections as well as my nonexistent plans for my birthday.

Papa has asked me to help him teach a group of kids about the bees that afternoon and I’ve no problem with that but I really want to do something that night, and weekend, for my birthday. I still don’t know if I’m going north or south. I’ll toss an email up to Ben tomorrow and see if he’d like to get together. If not I’ll call Remy and see what he’s up to. I just hope Remy won’t be in smartass mode. When he is that way he can be a little more than unbearable. If neither of them… hm… I don’t know. I know that I would, before the night is out, like to do a special something of a personal ritual to symbolize the fact that it’s not only my own entrance into a new year but that the evening is a traditional celebration of a new year for us all.

I used to have plenty more friends to gather about for a party but since I started standing up for myself I’ve found myself with a bit less. Funny thing is… that doesn’t bother me. I’d rather be solitary and at ease with myself than surrounded by friends but not even knowing who I am. I’ll resettle into a group again but I’m in no hurry.

I’ve also decided that I’d like to get another tattoo. I don’t know when but I do know what I want. I guess it’s true that it becomes something of an addiction. I’m enthralled with the ability to express myself in this manner. And this hasn’t been without thought. I’m quite a careful woman when it comes to things of this nature. In fact there are two ideas that have been swirling about my head. One is a quote but I fear it may be too long. “We know what we are but know not what we may be.” Bonus points if you know where it is from and who said it.

The other may be a bit more complex but I guess it would depend upon how it strikes me. A pomegranate and an ankh together – perhaps the ankh leaning against the round fruit. I’d like something simple and close to the style of my phoenix but this will take time, effort, and someone with a talent in art. Why those two symbols? I will make no bones about what my beliefs are. I don’t discuss them because they just don’t come up. My patron goddesses are, and have been for as long as I can remember, Nephthys & Persephone. Thus the pomegranate and ankh.

I don’t know if it’s odd to those who know me or maybe it’s not a surprise. I couldn’t say. Or maybe, in the grand scheme of things nothing, from me, is a surprise. A kinky bisexual, polyamorous, polytheistic, hazmat-loving, sword fighting, jazz singing witch. But even that seems far too simplistic. I’ll just call me… me. Yeah. That works.

Anna

No, I'm not a slacker or anything. Yeah. Yeah I am. So just shush and listen, ne?